One Last Cigarette
by Nothing You Can Prove
Summary: Chloe has a few things she needs to say...but to a very unlikely listener.


**Hey guys, this ones probably gonna be a bit of a sad one, but I really wanted to explore this concept. Just a little one-shot.**

 **Enjoy**

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As I drive, I have to fight the urge to just turn around, run away from everything... I don't though.

 _I can't. Not anymore. I've made up my mind. It's now or never._

I clutch on tighter to the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white from the pressure.

 _Max asked if I wanted her there, she didn't push of course, she just didn't want me to be alone if I wanted someone. I told her this was something I had to do on my own, which she totally understood. She said she'd be waiting for me._

My heart feels heavy, heavier than it has in a long time. I deftly grab a packet of cigarettes from my pocket with my left hand. I tease one out with my fingers, then take it out with my mouth. I take out the lighter and flick it on. The orange flame flickers and the lighter shakes slightly. I tighten my grip on it and bring the flame up to the cigarette.

 _I have been trying to cutting down. It's going pretty well. I think I can forgive myself for having one now… especially considering what I'm going to do. I need all the help I can get. One last cigarette._

I take and deep breathe, then exhale, the smoke billowing around me, engulfing me. It calms me slightly, gets my shattered nerves under control. I reach down and open the window a bit. Trees and buildings rush past, all merging into a blur. The rain beats lightly on the window. My shoulder gets a bit wet from the water that now is entering my truck. It's cold on my skin.

 _I could have chosen a better day to do this… but realistically I'd probably end up just putting it off forever, like I have all my life. Always running… I'm tired of running away from the nightmares._

By the time I reach my destination, the cigarette is all but gone. I exit the car, throwing it on the ground and stomping out the remaining embers. I scan the area, taking in the familiar sight… a sight that is now so bitter sweet for me. The good times, bad ones and all those in between mingling together, getting lost in the vast sea of my mind. The cold rain bites at my skin, the bitter wind howling. Twisted cars, discarded needles, shards of broken glass, lost hope and broken dreams…. The ground underneath my feet squelches a bit. I make a quick stop in a small makeshift building to my right. It is emptier than before. I gently run my hand over the rough walls, small doodles and words covering them. A small cardboard box sits there on the small DIY table. A box full of secrets and half-truths… broken promises and rose-tinted daydreams. I pick it up and take it with me back out into the open. The rain has died down, I think I can even see sunlight trying to poke through behind the dark grey clouds. I slowly make my way over to that spot… where she was. My feet become heavier the closer I get, but I can't stop now… not when I am so close. My pace slowly dwindles down to a stop. Before me is a small pine tree poke through the soil. It gently sways in the wind, nearly getting blown over… but somehow it stays upright. No matter how battered around it is, it's still here, fighting for the chance to be. I place the box by my feet.

 _Here goes nothing._

I stand in front of the tree, not sure where to focus.

"I know you would be laughing right now. The punk pirate Chloe Price, talking to a tree? It's hella stupid, but…"

My words catch in my throat. I swallow, trying to loosen them.

 _Man, this is harder than I thought._

"…but if it'll help then I'm willing to try anything."

I shuffle awkwardly, my fingers tapping on my leg.

"You know me. I'm not really good with the mushy shit… I'll try though."

 _Starting is the hard part. It's always the hard part…_

I think back over everything that happened up until this moment and suddenly… suddenly what I want to say becomes clear. I take a moment to collect my thoughts. As soon as I find the right words to get it started, the words and emotions flow like rivers. My voice breaks slightly as I speak.

"I… I really fucking miss you, you know. For so long I thought you had just run off and abandoned me… but…"

I feel the tears stinging my eyes, my voice wavering, getting caught in my throat. I must look like such a weirdo standing here, a 5'9 blue-haired punk girl crying in front of this fucking tiny tree in the middle of a junkyard…

 _Maybe it's time I question my sanity. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea._

I go to run away, run from the painful memories and the now impossible future, but find myself turning back almost immediately.

 _No. Chloe Price, no more running. You've done enough of that. Now, it's time to rest._

I play with the bands on my wrist, focusing on them. I pull them back, letting them go. They ping against my skin, before returning to their original shape. The action seems to help a bit… something to take my mind off things. Max does it all the time, that along with her arm thing. I let out a deep shuddery breath.

"…I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. You saved me from myself and yet… yet I couldn't save you. Pathetic, huh?"

The tree sways gently in the wind.

"Would it be crazy to think that was you responding? It might be, but I'll take anything I can get right now. You're probably agreeing with me. You'd say it's pathetic to think that I'm blaming myself for all this. That it wasn't my fault… but it damn feels like it sometimes. You never blamed me…"

I sigh.

 _Now we are getting somewhere. Just got to keep at it._

I scratch my head.

"I don't know what was going on in your head half the time. You were always so cryptic. Never straight with me. I guess that was kind of the point. There is nothing straight about Rachel Amber… in more ways than one."

I smile at my own pathetic joke.

 _Gotta smile about something…_

"I bet you'd have loved that one, huh? You always were a sucker for stupid jokes… at least you were for mine."

 _Yet more deflection with humor…_

My eyes wander away from the small tree. My brow furrows slightly in confusion, my voice raising in volume and pace slightly.

"When I found out about Frank… I was so angry. I felt so… betrayed. It made me question a lot. Did you… did you really love me? Or…"

I look back over to the tree as it dances in the breeze, swishing and swaying from side to side.

"…now, I don't think it matters. You decided to spend your time with me. You made me laugh and gave me some good memories that tided me over through the worst times in my life. I think you loved me, I know I sure as hell loved you. That was good enough. What more can I say? I was just hella gay for you… maybe I still am a bit. Even though you didn't say it, you did stuff that showed it. Actions speak louder than words…"

I think back to all the times she cared, when no one else mind reels with the memories…

 _I don't know if I'd call them happier times as such, but does it matter? They are mine and no-one can take them away from me._

That time when she picked me up at 3am, because I was pissed out of my head and got lost wandering the streets of Arcadia. David and I had a fight over, I can't even remember to be honest, and I bailed. The first thing I do? Fall into a hedge, lay there and just let it all out. I couldn't see straight because of the booze and… and tears. I don't even remember calling her. All I remember is her brushing me down and whispering to me. She didn't shout, even though she had her own shit to deal with. She picked me up, took me back and held me all night… while I bawled my eyes out like a little bitch. The time when we scoured Arcadia for the perfect spot to just get high, wasted and hide from all our demons. The place we made our sanctuary… the place that's now been defiled… red folders…

 _Fuck…_

I rub my face with my hand, trying to stop the tear I know are coming.

 _Keep it together._

I clear my throat, my voice low and quiet.

"I just want to say… thank you. For everything. For making me feel a little less alone…"

 _It was nice to think that there was still someone I could cling onto… even if everyone else had left._

The words are getting harder to speak, my mouth refusing to let the stuff in my head out into the open air… a mouth that has denied and lied to everyone for so long… the silence finally broken.

"You helped me to realize a lot about myself, helped me find out who I was a bit better. Made me question everything I thought I knew about myself… especially in the bedroom department."

 _Rachel really was into some weird shit… weird shit I was all too ready to try._

I look down at my boots, my foot taps nervously on the ground, causing loose dirt to fly into the air.

"Sometimes I wonder… what things would be like if you were still here. I know it's stupid to think about what could have been… I still find myself doing it though. Who knows? Maybe we'd have finally got the hell out of this shit pit and made it to LA. Maybe not…. A girl can dream… but only for so long."

 _When the dreams become better than reality, it's hard to wake up and get out of bed every morning. I can't even begin to count the number of times I just lay there, the covers over my head in a vain attempt to shield myself from the world._

I take off my beanie, shoving it in my pocket and run my fingers through my slightly faded blue hair. My strawberry blonde roots are really poking through now, pushing the light purple back. It takes me back to the day Rachel first helped me dye my hair. She did a good job on it too. David was not a happy camper… not that I gave a shit. I absentmindedly rub the middle bullet from my necklace. I roll it between my fingers, feeling the cool metal against my skin. My tired blue eyes close, reliving every memory I possibly can in this moment… all the stolen kisses, cold nights, stupid fights… usually over food, wandering hands, warm breath, hazel eyes, gentle smiles, pouting faces, stray hair, crazy ideas, broken bones, whispered secrets, playful nudges, teasing remarks, fond nicknames… all gone now. My eyes open again.

"You may be gone physically… but you'll always be with me… always."

I shake my head, suppressing a smile.

"I couldn't have picked much of a cheesier line, could I? You love it though."

I stand there for a few moments, not really doing or saying anything… just waiting. I don't know what for…

"Yeah, so…"

 _I'm not ready to leave… not yet._

I shift my weight, my tone lightening a bit.

"I'll give you an update of all the shit in my life, shall I? You always did love to hear all the juicy gossip. Well, where do I begin? I guess the best place to start would be with… Max."

 _My first mate, my partner in crime, my…_

Her smiling face enters my mind. The smile that hides nothing. Her piercing blue doe-like eyes which light up, that hold an inquisitive glint. Her lips, slightly parted exposing her off white teeth… they always part more when she is flustered or nervous. Her soft spoken words, tumbling from those lips. The freckles that cover her pale face like small constellations, way too many to count for my limited attention span...

 _Maybe one day…_

My lips quirk upwards into a small smile.

"I think all the crazy shit has actually made us closer. She's too chickenshit to instigate anything. Maybe another dare session is in order. I wonder how far I could push it…?"

I let out a small laugh.

"I bet you'd be egging me on. Telling me to go for it and threaten that if I didn't, you would. You'd have liked Max, I know it. I think she'd have liked you to. I mean, you're a handful… but then so am I. That hasn't deterred her, not like most people. That's something you and her have in common. You'd have been all over the whole photography thing… posing every five seconds for her. You'd have pushed her out of her comfort zone, that much I know for sure. We'd have all been hella best friends forever…."

 _I'm sure we'd have got up to all kinds of mischief, the dashing rogues we are. It'd be like mine and Max's pirate games… except more hardcore. We'd have terrorized the streets of Arcadia Bay._

I glance down at the small box by my feet. I'd almost forgotten it was there… or maybe I hoped it would just be gone by the time it came to it.

"Anyway, I have a big thing I wanted to do today. I wanted to… to give you back your stuff. I collected it all in this box and… yeah. Thought I'd squirrelled it away for long enough. I'm sure you'd agree."

I get on my hands and knees near the tree and start to move the dirt with my hands, like the first time… no. This time is different. I am no longer uncovering… I am burying…. A small hole begins to appear in the ground. I take a deep breath and clutch the small cardboard box in my hands. I peek inside one last time, before I let go. I seal the lid back up and gently place the box in the hole.

"I don't know how you survived with your make-up and bong for so long. God this feels like a break up, doesn't it? Giving over all your shit… I guess it… it kind of is."

I pile the loose dirt in my hands, pouring it over the box. As the hole begins to be filled, a weight lifts from my shoulders. The box begins to disappear from view.

 _I've been carrying around six months of emotional baggage and now… now it's just finally all being put to rest._

Finally, the box is completely submerged. I stand up, rubbing my hands together, wiping away the excess dirt and step back, inspecting my work. I feel something wet and warm roll down my cheeks, something I've been trying to hold back for so long. The tears come, not from sadness really. It's more like… relief? I guess that's it.

 _Never forget, but accept and move out of the past. It's fine to remember, as long as it doesn't hold you back. I've let my past keep me on a short leash for too long. It's been strangling and suffocating. For the first time in months, I can breathe unrestricted._

I swipe at my eyes.

 _When Max suggested all this, I thought it was stupid. Now… now I see. I never want to forget, but I can't keep living in the past. I have done for so long and it consumed me._

I stand there for a moment, composing myself. I clear my throat.

"Well, enough monologuing from me. I have places to go… people to do…"

I amble over to the tree, taking some of the green leaves of the small tree and gently run my fingers over them. My voice comes out as little more than a whisper.

"Goodbye, Rachel…"

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 **So, that happened. Welcome to the feels train. Thank for reading, have a great day guys and look after yourselves. Remember, only you can decide when to let go, but don't let it hold you back.**


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